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GOP Reportedly Assessing “One-Eyed Willy” Presidential Ticket

A small group of Congressional Republicans held a brief press conference Friday to announce formal consideration of Willy (last name unknown) for the next election's ticket and unveil the campaign...

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U.N. Out of Ideas, Commissions NSF To Construct Massive Global Reboot Button

The project, referred to internally as “Operation Hard Reset,” evidently involves construction of a colossal power button somewhere in the desert southwest of Carson City, Nevada, according to...

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J.J. Abrams to Helm More LOTR Movies The Minute Peter Jackson Is Done

Hollywood was abuzz Tuesday with news that Hollywood's hottest director J.J. Abrams (Star Trek, upcoming Star Wars films) has been tabbed to take over the creative direction of the entire Lord of the...

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BREAKING: Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Small Countries

Retail giant Wal-Mart unveiled plans Thursday to add the sale and distribution of small, underdeveloped countries to its product line, a move hailed by investors as both "brilliant" and "utterly...

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Deceased Guitarist Hanneman Kills Dozens, Maims Hundreds En Route To Damnation

Authorities across the nether regions of hell are still searching for answers in the wake of a brutal multiple homicide perpetrated by recently deceased Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman, reports alleged...

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Oil Industry Unveils Sassy New Line Of Spill Cleanup Products

Exxon Mobil Corporation and British Petroleum have responded to concerns over the pipeline's environmental safety risks by launching a bold new line of anti-oil spill cleaning products for residents in...

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NSA Suicide Rash Traced To Unspeakably Depressing Public Records

A bizarre rash of apparent suicides among the NSA staff tasked with analysis of the exhaustive phone and email records culled from their decade of surveillance of American citizens.The post NSA Suicide...

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GOP to Upgrade All Campaign Offices to Windows XP

Early reports have confirmed the GOP intends to replace older, outdated desktops and laptops as part of the upgrade, with end-of-line systems to be permanently taken offline.The post GOP to Upgrade All...

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Canadian Prime Minister: ‘If Trump Wins, We Must Build A Wall’

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau convened an emergency session of Parliament Thursday to unveil his plan to construct a giant wall spanning Canada's southern border with the United States in the...

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Horrified Nation Struggles To Un-Imagine Ted Cruz Having Sex

An undercurrent of chaos and emotional distress has swept across the nation.

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